important updates

1. thanks to one of my friends who called me up today and pointed out that my previous two posts are incongruent (how could i have done guard duty AND watched perahia at the same time?) well, one of my friends volunteered to do it for me. FOR NOTHING! am touched.

i mean, a $71 ticket is rather valuable, but for someone to volunteer to do guard duty in order to let someone else enjoy life is quite, sacrificial of himself and bastardly of me :(

thanks again, guodong! really appreciate your kindness.


2. i am dying of increased fatigue! my acne is erupting again after so many months of effort (and money) because of the late nights working or having fun.

speaking of fun, watched tropic thunder yesterday night with some of my first batch of recruits, some of whom are sergeants and lieutanents.

my 1st batch of recruits want me to get drunk O_o lol i think i die liao.

after my ord, i really hope to intern in an architectural firm, or a design-related firm like interior design, to get a sense of what really happens in there. but i'm slightly apprehensive about calling up the contact which my dad helped me source for. apprehensive about rejection. because i've absolutely no training in art or any design programme like autocad and illustrator! what sort of intern will i be? coffee maker? or clean away the eraser dust on the floor, created by the architects who work fervently to the extent of losing sleep :

if i intern, where do i get my money from? hey, i need to save money for the future, you know!

maybe this is what they say by sacrificing yourself to the lure of money. my life is sucked into a deep well of boredom and depression and lust for financial stability! ARGH.


3. no la. it's not that bad, really. but sometimes (nowadays) i can get really sad. whenever i think about... sigh. i just can't stop thinking! even in the midst of perahia's concert (i admit, i was too tired to enjoy his concert to the fullest so my mind was wandering off and into the well it went.)

another thing: it's one thing to know that someone's like that (which is rather hard to explain now coz i'm not thinking straight and i can't recall my train of thought anymore) because he told you so, but torturous to find it out yourself. as if he's hiding it from you, despite being rather good and close friends.

everyone has their right to privacy, yes. but everyone also has some right to know each other better, right? the mystery is KILLING ME!


4. in relation to the previous point: i have only about 3-4 working days left. zulu company take note. miss me when i'm gone, ok? i'll miss you back, too :(


5. on a more tangential but solemn note, compared to the previous points.

one of my aslc platoon mates just passed away yesterday (26th october) in a motor accident.

the issue of death has rarely cropped up in my life. the first instance was my accidental murder of about 10 goldfishes in a week when i was about 5-7 years old. the tank water looked suspiciously soapy in retrospect, i wonder if i indeed added soap. maybe the fish were stressed by the enviroment; i kept changing water every day.

next, was the death of a male hamster. the larger, dominant male was probably the culprit.

i apologise if this sounds flippant so far. that's not my intention at all. but really, the first two deaths i experienced were deaths of my pets.

then, my paternal grandfather. i was about 9 years old then. i remember silently shedding tears in the mrt carriage at jurong east mrt the moment mom broke the news. i knelt on the seat facing the window. embarrassment at a young age does happen, and all of us hide our weaker emotions sometimes.

the emotion felt then was just that of pure sadness. that someone whom you knew passed away. it's a very simple emotion, uncomplicated by any yearning for that someone to come back. probably because i'm not close to my grandfather - he lived in north malaysia.

and now, another person whom i knew and talked to before. gone. i received the news through sms from my section mate who's a good friend in need.

i suddenly realise this issue, of death of persons, is so sensitive, i'm pondering over every word i type here. and i hope i do not offend.

i'm not close to him, that platoon mate of mine. still, his demise meant some things to me.

not sad, not yearning, not missing. because i'm not close to him.

but, i'm thinking, life really is that fragile. who'd knew his demise would come so soon. who knows, you or me will be gone any moment.

i just saw a powerpoint slide presentation saying how the daily struggles IS life, since life is about coping with things around you every day. and that because you will be handling stress every day, there won't be a day when you can finally 'enjoy' a life without any obstacles or challenges. there's a beauty in enjoying the daily things that happen. that's life.

and i'm intellectually shaken by the powerpoint slide presentation and the death. it all makes sense to me, suddenly. perhaps i can begin to overcome the inertia in me that keeps me pessimistic every day? i hope i can, although i do enjoy wallowing in sorrow too.

every day must be a celebration of life!

thank you, dad, mom, brother. relatives especially those whom i talked to in the recent year or so.

many thank yous to gary, dq, jeremy, derrick wong and co., weiqi, don and co., and all the friends i met in the army (just to name a few).

and to my long-suffering friends like jeff and yi han, for bothering to call me. i need people to contact me because i'm too lazy and/or reluctant to call (rejection)! and to my chorale friends and people i met in school.

there's too much to lose.