things i can't help but take away from

been through this, don't really want to experience anything like it again.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS THE LONGEST BLOG POST YOU WILL HAVE READ IN A LONG TIME. i took nearly 2 hours writing this (a now-rare burst of the remnant bits of intelligence and empathy i still retain)! but i hope you do take some time off to read it, just 10-15 minutes? thanks!

simply put, today i was an observer of a little conversation that became slightly unpleasant yet funny (at least to the onlooker). the topic is in principle, similar to the yellow ribbon campaign; one party was the 'public', the other the 'ex-convict'. you can imagine how the conversation turned out to be la.

i have this knack of befriending 'convicts' and 'ex-convicts'. i'm some prison warden or something. had one such major encounter in sec 3, minor encounters throughout secondary school all the way to JC. the sec 3 one was most memorable because i practially became his so-called best friend, until something triggered off an avalanche of events which became quite a hot conversation topic in school, blahblahblah.

the 'convicts' i have seen are ostracised (to different extents) by their peers. on a personal, one-on-one level they're mostly really pleasant to talk to (maybe i have lienient standards on 'pleasant'). they have interesting views on stuff that runs the gamut from little rumours about school people to personal preferences for fashion to more intellectual stuff like classical music, philosophy and psychology.

of course the reason why people shun them is that they somehow lack in social skills. things that the majority of the population take for granted like body language, choice of words, kindness etc. it doesn't help if the shunned 'convicts' physiques are somewhat un-average: too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, ugly face, the list goes on. they often end up being the butt of sissy, fat and thin jokes. these jokes are easy excuses for jeering at the shunned, which miss the whole 'why are they discriminated against' issue.

yea, even the fat people. fat isn't the whole and only reason why they are laughed at. it's their lack of confidence and deflated personality (due to their perceptions of how others respond to their size) that people like to pick on. this vicious cycle then perpetuates by itself...

the sissy ones are probably the most unfortunate lot of them all. just like how you get naturally alpha-male personalities, you also get people from the other side of the masculinity spectrum. blame it on nature (maybe upbringing? not really la. you can have one normal and one sissy living under the same roof. i've seen examples of this). and so they're made fun of by the virtue of their nature which they find so hard to change or hide.

another category of 'convicts' is the AP (attitude problem) sort. all sorts of problems you can find one (pardon the informal tone and syntax error). some are arrogant farts, some too lame and conversation-challenged, others too self-centred and selfish. oh, but the similar characteristic of this lot is often that they have a strong outward personality that tends to dominate in social settings (a derogatory synonym would be 'oppress'). many do reflect upon their actions and the things that go on, but they end up with the (socially) wrong conclusion that there is nothing wrong with them and that things, the way they are, are just normal or can't be helped. worse, some don't realise they are not liked by others!

such was the case of my dear then-sec3 friend. sissy, weird thoughts plus an oblivious-ness. actually he isn't unaware of what people think of him, just that sometimes he concludes wrongly that people can embrace his quirkiness. no, actually he knew most of his problems and DID try to change them. but he just couldn't. his (innate) personality, perhaps. and the methods he does are kind of odd or wrong. in short, he's on a different brainwave.

as the kind warden i am, i always listened or at the very least, tried really hard to listen and appreciate their situation. just listening to them makes them feel so glad and relieved there's someone who understands them and more importantly, do not mind them for who they are. of course, listening does not equate to understanding, but if you are a good active listener you would naturally ask leading questions for more information, sometimes leading to the root of their issues - that's a sign of understanding them.

when i was still in school most of the time i took a genuine interest in their talk, thankfully the habit of listening has sunk deep and is rooted in myself, for nowadays i can garner energy to listen to boring chaps who talk endlessly about their endeavours, even when i don't really feel like listening sometimes (but it's only polite you listen).

oops, running slightly offtangent but this is supposed to be an entertainment column-sort of article, so who cares about the issue at hand which i want to talk about.

it's so understandable why they're excluded from games like poor ruldolph the reindeer. humans are not inclined to accept people who are different from them. in almost every instance of civilisation ever in history a particular gender is favoured over another, because of the perceived superiority one has over the other. it's almost always the male that dominates, because of their physical strength which makes it easier for them to accomplish important tasks such as finding or cultivating food. in comparison females are less able and perhaps, a bane to society in a way, so they are discriminated against.

people who are of minority races and religions are despised for various reasons, amongst them historical reasons (catholics versus protestants in northern ireland), physique reasons (skin colour), and very importantly, character/cultural differences, perceived or not. in fact, in some ways physique reasons are interlinked with character differences. for example, westerners think chinese are impolite, inconsiderate and scheming. it's not untrue that many chinese (from whichever country they are from) are rather callous with their droppings (spitton, litter etc.) in foreign countries, and will never resist bargaining mercilessly with a market vendor. however, many of their so-called 'wrong' behaviours are the norm in their own homeland - a clash of cultures, do you see? i'm sure you can think of more examples here. the worst part is that, by careless extrapolation due to similar physiques, every single chinese is associated with the uglier ones. i suppose a similar fate befalls the sad fats and thins and uglies in societies.

one really important repurcussion of frantanising with the so-called bad is that one may end up being associated with the bad and end up in the same class at the bad. protection of self-interest, i see...

referring to the two examples mentioned in the earlier paragraphs, the discriminated can be said to be 'harmful' or 'less helpful' than others. their value is cheapened by virtue of their differences, be it intentional or natural or neither. and who like valueless people? they are hindrances, no? look at old-folk homes, look at hospices, look at how and why companies retrench employees. it's a sad fact of life, your value determines your worth being accepted.

but there's sometimes redeeming aspects of the outcasted. i had the opporunity to interact with children with lower-than-average intelligence in sec1. they (unknowingly) reveal to me the joys of living a simple life and taught me patience and being embracing. not to mention, no one can resist kids. in a not dissimilar fashion, your hated classmate or neighbour may have a passion for cool, trendy stuff like rock music or have the mind to succeed in marathons, what have you not. they all have something special about them, or at least something you can learn from. i'm sure there's something, at least one thing good about them. even terrorists. look, they have undying loyalty for the cause they are fighting for (pardon the oxymoron in 'undying' hurhurhur). how many people want to serve in the army to defend their own country, much less defend some cause which you know, can seem daunting to do at times when you lose your compass of morals and values.

but, may i appeal to your emotions, to quote an often-quoted chinese proverb, do not do onto others what you do not want onto yourself. what goes around often comes around. oh, by the way, i'm speaking up for those who are either naturally disadvantaged in some aspect that makes them hated, or genuinely make an effort to change themselves ala yellow ribbon-type of people. yes, what goes around comes around, ur hur. that should be a good enough reason for the selfish inconsiderate souls out there who are lucky enough to be socially accepted heh.

it's rather funny, sad and perplexing at how the victims of hate cope with their circumstances. i remember how disturbed i felt when the sec3 guy in question tried to enter a conversation by making somewhat relevant but 'useless' comments such as 'oh yea, i agree with that... you know blahblahblah'.

oh, i must relate to you a vision i had of that guy. i had this nightmare, that guy was wearing an oversized torn greyed and dirty set of school uniform, and he was extremely distressed and hysterically chasing after other people in clean uniform, who were frightened by him. his hands were flailing around, no, outstretched in front of him, try to get hold of someone, just someone. but he couldn't. quite oddly, the following week he behaved so disturbingly wrong in class that i couldn't take it anymore and i avoided him in the end. by the way he emotionally harmed me, although my subsequent avoidance hurt him even more i guess. the day he harmed me i couldn't stop but keep thinking of the string of those harming events, till i even got a headache, no kidding. i admit my subsequent handling of the matter was totally unfair to him. being quite a bigmouth i told a few people about what i experienced and of course, the news spread all over class and triggered more interest within the school community (hehe). but hey, i only told class people and close friends, fair enough on my part, right? in a way, no. although it served as a way to warn others of things that may come, the issue was too sensitive to be broadcasted publicly.

anyway, time really does heal things. people almost do not mention him anymore. even when his surprise visit to our secondary school during teachers' day failed to make an impact anything as large as during sec3. and he did talk a little to others, and others did reply (thankfully) politely. maybe people are pre-programmed to be nice when unprovoked (ie over long periods of time), which kind of reinforces the notion that people do things in their self interest hm...

forgive their size, their loose wrists, their lamer-than-lame wise-cracks, even their sometimes-inflated egos and oblivion towards what others think of them. open up your heart a bit more and be less self-centered. your own interests can be balanced with their needs of being accepted. no need to be bestest of friends with them, just smile at them, greet them, help them if they really require help. yes, that takes a hell lot of patience but it's really important that you have a near infinite quantity of that virtue.

if you really don't want to be too involved with their lives, showing a bit of the appropriate body language and telling them really nicely you have to go may break the message to them gently and subtly. of course, don't overdo that and be an active listener!

going back to the first mentioned encounter, i suppose i did something somewhat acceptable to both parties: just listening to both of them and laughing innocently at the jabbing (well, at least one party was tickled). duh the best thing to do is to mediate and convince both parties on a compromise, which is something to the effect of allowing the convict to change for the better and the convict being more accepting of what people still think of him (after all, perceptions don't change easily) and prove himself to others, albeit in a silent manner. as to how to convince, i have not come round to that yet (perceptions don't change easily). sigh.

in the abovementioned respect, both parties have to work hard at bridging the gap between each other.

can someone rate this little rant? is it sensible or just stupid verbal diarrhoea in some ways... and was it sufficiently deep enough and not simplistic... argh...