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i am grateful for everything that i have!

i think i'm extremely fortunate and unworthy to have so much good things going on for me in life; thank yous go out to everyone whose lives crossed mine :) although not all my experiences are positive, they probably played a big part in changing me, i'm growing stronger and more mature...

why am i typing all these all of a sudden? just feel very insecure to be in my present circle of people (i.e. the people in PLC), insecure because i'm wondering if i made bad impressions on people. very sure that there are detractors around, be it truly my fault or their pettiness, but you gotta carry on with your life! i got my real friends, that's good enough :)

maybe my insecurity stems from my oversensitivity towards others' feelings, and my level of self-confidence which can be represented by a sine graph (it's currently not at a crest, but neither a trough).

all these has made me think about whether karma is really enforced in our lives. not to say that i'm a goody-two-shoes, but i guess my family background is quite decent (esp my immediate family) so the goodness of my family members translate into good things for me? conversely, some people get spooked by first-hand supernatural experiences, you know, seeing dirty things and possessed people and all? will my fortunes change? do i deserve my life? haiz.

i'm not in any position to comment about how people handle their lives, especially since i have not been through their experiences. the stormy weather looks nice when you view it from behind a window. seeking shelter under the canopy of a tree may be suicidal; sometimes it's better to keep running on in the rain to find something better!

my peers and i are at THE major point in our lives. thank goodness i have mine vaguely sorted out. managed to find the 'middle path' which should be able to allow me to pursue artistic, creative, and (very hopefully!!!) musical paths in future. sadly, though, being a physics teacher won't be possible anymore, if things go right. (i'm thinking that if electrico can achieve this much with their day jobs, i can do it too!)

to all those that may be still confused, well, i guess it'll be good to continue thinking about your present and future... the answer is probably not obvious at all, but when it sinks into you, it could be the THING you're looking for.

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personal anecdote: i've been learning music when i was 6, auditioned when i was 10 and failed to enter the then-TCS productions HAHA (that basically created the fear in me of trying out for acting roles, even in the safe school environment)! tried for 'sing to the dawn' when i was 15 and of course i failed! participated in interclass singing contests, cristofori music sch piano competitions (harhar) and evantually choir in sec sch and JC. my life's been full of music, i did seriously think of pursuing music in university, but thinking of the possible jobs i would have and evantually, my relative lack of passion in classical music made me realise it's not for me.

another option when i was in primary/secondary school was psychology. bought a couple of books related to that, it is quite interesting, really, esp when you can relate to your own experiences. again, didn't choose that because of a shift in interest...

physics or engineering was one of my top choices in upper sec/JC because of my realisation that i liked to teach physics concepts to my peers (it also happened at the time which my academics finally picked up, you know? that feeling that you've grown brainier because you can truly assimilate information) anyway, dropped that thought, because teaching is to be my career choice later in life, and i can't quite imagine myself dealing with electronics and mechanical stuff for so many years of my (career) life.

so what the hell do i want? my innermost desire is to be some kind of performer, but where do i start? also, i want a varied, creative life. the desire to be a performer is very clear to me, but realising that i want a career related with creativity came later to me.

looking back at what i've done, i realised i actually have interest in interior designing when i was very young (think 7 - 10 years old!) i found A3 papers which had my drawings of how i'd like my bedroom to look like, where all the worksheets are placed, where the personal fridge and inbuilt shower room are(i indulge in opulence). i also remember the 1000s of versions of my ideal treehouse, an integrated self-suffcient town even with an underground community, and (can you believe this) lifts built in the middle of the trunk and a train/monorail service that climbs its way up the tree by spiralling, serving an estate-worth of families (lolz!)

and i look forward to the yearly issue of the IKEA catalogue ever since during secondary school hahaha!

i never thought that i would want to pursue this interest seriously in the past. the memories of drawing all those stuff when i was 7 only resurfaced this year, like a signal that tells me i did not choose this path on a whim.
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you know johari's window? basically some psychological concept that says that there are 4 parts of us: things that everyone including yourself know about you, things that only you know about yourself, things that everyone except yourself know about you, and finally, things that no one, not even you, know about yourself. perhaps you've not opened up the fourth panel of the window, and may need some time to analyse what you really like, or find out through trial and error.

things you'd love to do may or may not be the best option, because of practical reasons e.g. money or social/personal life. and it's not a good idea to shut yourself off from certain ventures, i think. i never thought i'd like to do business (business to me was making money out of things that aren't yours) but i suppose selling your creative ideas is a worthwhile effort to me? when you feel that something truly belongs to you, i guess anything related to it is of interest as well.

i can never forget the good and bad times i had with everyone. people may change, but we share the same memories, though the viewpoint may be different with time. that's something to take comfort in, right? in the meantime, indulge in simple pleasures that require little brainpower nor evoke emotions!